Thursday, April 16, 2009

i wish i had a time machine/thanks for the memories or lack thereof...

hmm so here's a personal 'journal-esque' entry as a follow up to yesterday's word of the day.

WARNING: its totally a debbie downer post. im not reading it over once i type itll prolly sound emo or something haha. dont read it if youre in for something entertaining. its just something i feel like writing at the moment.

i am a far more sentimental than is good for me, i get attached to people, places, and times very easily. i relate people, music, feelings, sounds, smells, places, quotes, everything together and make those connections quickly. i think i repeated myself there...oh well. and yes i feel nostalgic for times i never had. i often get this way and i think the end of the school year triggered another bout. i am estatic for the end of school, who likes homeworks and tests? however the end of school also marks departure. departure from routine. not so bad. but departure of people...worse. whether they are friends from out of town or 4th years who are graduating and moving on to bigger and better things...people are leaving. yes its agreed change is hard, but i have become overwhelmed with a feeling of nostalgia lately which has thrown me into a melancholy mood. im not necessarily nostalgic for times i had this year, but rather the ones i never had a chance to have. i have met a great deal of amazing people this year...many of whom i only recently met, and furthermore many of whom are graduating or from out of town. i look back at their pictures and hear their stories and am envious of the experiences they have had. i wish i was there. i wish i was a part of that experience. i wish i was an important part of their life. instead im just another person that they met but had no impact on their life. they are moving on in life whereas i feel stuck in this place and time. to them i am no one. to me they are people i wish i knew for the last 4 years. i will remember them forever. they have made a greater impact on my life than they will ever realise. they will have no clue. i will most definitely miss these people and the times they had, the times i wish i was a part of, the times we could have had, what i could have been a part of, the fact that i will never have a chance to have these times, the fact they are leaving, the fact that they are in a different point in their lives where priorities change, responsibilities change, friendships change, routine changes, all of it. you may or may not keep in touch, but its never the same. the relationships, the bond, the connection falls apart. as maybe it should. people come and go in your life for a reason right? sometimes i feel like that quote exists simply to make people like myself feel better at times like these. i feel like the end of this school year marks the end of so much potential. i yearn for that feeling of a new school year where you dont know whats going to happen but there is so much potential for good times. now i feel like thats over. was that potential fulfilled to its utmost? most likely not...there are a lot of things that i wish could have happened. or happened sooner. that potential has fallen away to memories that will fade surely fade away soon enough. why do memories fade? to make the present easier? i guess all things end up in the past. i guess its apparent that i dont like change. who does. i know that life happens and you move on get over it and accept it. i just am really hating the transience of life right now. i really am. i wish i was a part of more. i feel like i missed out. i truly do.
ps. sorry about not posting much. i need to work on it. and next time it shall be much less diary-ish and less personal. and yes...less repetitive probably too. man i felt like a jr high-er again when i wrote that. weird. i dont like it. it was a whole train of thought eloquence involved.

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